“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
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Remember folks 😂
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Is this the real life?
Is this just
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat