Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
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If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
roses are red
i fall when i skate
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that