Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
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When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression