Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed