Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
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Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels