Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.