Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
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“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics