don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
You Might Also Like
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.