don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
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MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
pep talk
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.