Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

Me redecorating every room in my mind

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

for all #parents out there

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

This meeting could have been a cake