Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy