Don’t snitch tag.
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People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.