Don’t snitch tag.
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Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Krampus.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”