Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yep.

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.