Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

The point of your 20s

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.