Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

A recipe for laughter

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

Something Saturday.

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.