Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.