Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

weird email i got today

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.