Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
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I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I’m having an out of money experience.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed