Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
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CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
23. the denim jacket
This is why I hate group projects
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.