@envydatropic

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

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@bossy_bootz

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Undeleted txts
will be used
against you

@mashyboo

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

@just1fool

I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.

It was probably over a stolen tweet.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

@BromanConsul

the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn’t actually know the words

@TheAlexNevil

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

@urgeekisshowing

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.