Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

This will teach them to underestimate me

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”