Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
You Might Also Like
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?