Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
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Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Very problematic
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;