Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

I’d love this…lol

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it