Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.