Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.