@T_Bonezzz_

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

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@rajandelman

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

@KyleMcDowell86

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

@JediGigi

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

@thelateinnings

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

@sofarrsogud

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

@librarianfonz

I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they’ll open up a small demolition business together.

@themiltron

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

@david8hughes

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here