DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
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Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
What’s a Messi?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy