DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
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“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read