DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
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Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
work smarter, not harder
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
#damn
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.