Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.