Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.