“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
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Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
This is so wrong 😂
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I’ve disappointed better people.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.