don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
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BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
time for some seasonal decor
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
A little too much information.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house