don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
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Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff