Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.