Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

Body by Oreos

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

Lube but for my dry humor.

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

wait.

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough