Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Happy Caturday!
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
his wife is probably gonna see that
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.