Don’t take drugs… for granted.
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My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
This guy’s not having it 😆
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
What the hell is going on?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..