Don’t take drugs… for granted.
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Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
i made a craigslist ad !
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.