Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
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The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.