Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
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When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Me trying to look natural in photos
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”