Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

Meow

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur