Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.