Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
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Me when I try to be useful
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.