Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins