Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
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Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman: