Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

Make new friends? bro out of what?

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s