Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

absolutely not