Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.