Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

Eat…

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

Thrilling chase underway

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.