“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
You Might Also Like
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Free him
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.