Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
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I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
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Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
