Don’t talk down to me
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Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
i baked you a cake
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.