Don’t talk down to me
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My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
what kind of cook setting is this??
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.