Don’t talk down to me
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“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet