Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
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Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!