Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”