Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
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Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Why font matters.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”