@blade_funner

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

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@katebarstool

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

@HomeWithPeanut

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

@hmmmmmnope

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

@pleasantchime

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

@ShellHasDragons

What if all this is just because the great game developer in the sky put us on autoplay?

@giftedrascal

I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in

@Carbosly

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

@Darlainky

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards