Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
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Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT