Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
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[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard