Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

True story 🤣

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months