Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.