Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
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[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?