Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
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When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I’m sorry…what?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.