Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
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I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems