don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
