don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Battery falling down a hole
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
