don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
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i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
🖕🏻👽
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
how to have fun when you’re poor