Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
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When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
San Francisco has too many rules
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend