Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

This trial is so absurd 😭

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…