Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
You Might Also Like
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.