Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
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When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community