Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
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I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks