Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
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3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail