don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
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I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
*me flirting
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes