don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
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Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
“you look easy to draw”
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?