don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.