don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.