don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
You Might Also Like
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?