Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
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This cat wants you to take your pills
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.