Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

nice challenge

Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.