Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.