Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
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That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.